In response to my assertion that kids are inevitably doing the best that they can do, someone will almost always ask a question about a child who is vehemently endorsing the opposite. A child who is angry and making sure everybody around them knows it. A child who might be regularly yelling and screaming exact … Read more
In Toy Story 5, there’s a part where Jessie says, “That’s not playing, that’s just a game!”, referring to a game that she was greatly enjoying involving jumping around and stomping her feet on buttons as they lit up. When this is met with confusion by another toy, she demonstrates: what she means by “playing” … Read more
“She’s really shy,” you find yourself saying. “She’s afraid to go and play with the other kids. When we go to the playground she’s anxious about leaving me.” She’s three. And you just want to support her. And, if pressed to explain what you mean by “support”, you might say: you just want her to … Read more
Let’s imagine a toddler who tries to pull the glasses off of mom’s face. The purpose of punishing the child (hitting or flicking them, yelling a big scary “no”, putting them in time-out isolated from others, etc) would be to make it unequivocally clear that the grownup is more powerful than the child, and can … Read more
Your child might recognize the inherent power imbalance in society—that adults are treated as superior to and better than kids—and find that to be unjust, and not have a diagnosis of PDA. Please hear what I’m saying. I’m not trying to make the gate smaller or the opening narrower or let fewer people in. I’m … Read more
I would guess that the #1 question that I’m asked — the top situation that people want resources for — is what to do when your child has already tilted past the threshold of 100% dysregulation and is melting down, right now. I’ve answered that one in my post called Survive about as well … Read more
You’ve probably heard someone say “behavior is communication” before. Have you ever used your own behavior as a clue to listen to yourself? When you’re struggling to make sense of your own feelings, needs, or wants, your own behavior might give you messages that you can interpret more easily than your body sensations or your … Read more
I was on my way to pick up my kids from school that day when I had an unusual impulse that I really wanted to just like, hang out with them, outside of the patterns of our normal everyday life. I thought maybe going to McDonald’s and going inside and sitting down at the restaurant … Read more
I remember the first time I moved houses in my adult life. We called some older, adultier friends over to help us move. I don’t remember all the specifics, but I know one of them asked us if we were totally packed and ready, and I confirmed that yeah, we just needed help grabbing stuff … Read more
I told my kid that they could have an ice cream alongside their lunch. While lunch was cooking, they said something rude to me. My impulsive reaction was to want to tell them that they could no longer have ice cream alongside their lunch. (Deep breath.) That reaction is wholly, exclusively, punitive. That reaction is … Read more