Let’s imagine a toddler who tries to pull the glasses off of mom’s face. The purpose of punishing the child (hitting or flicking them, yelling a big scary “no”, putting them in time-out isolated from others, etc) would be to make it unequivocally clear that the grownup is more powerful than the child, and can … Read more
I was on my way to pick up my kids from school that day when I had an unusual impulse that I really wanted to just like, hang out with them, outside of the patterns of our normal everyday life. I thought maybe going to McDonald’s and going inside and sitting down at the restaurant … Read more
I told my kid that they could have an ice cream alongside their lunch. While lunch was cooking, they said something rude to me. My impulsive reaction was to want to tell them that they could no longer have ice cream alongside their lunch. (Deep breath.) That reaction is wholly, exclusively, punitive. That reaction is … Read more
A friend shared a story with me, and with their permission, I’m sharing it here. Their child was 5 years old and in their class at school, they had a clip behavior chart like many schools have. The clip chart was space/sky themed to be cute. Everybody started on a star, and if they “behaved … Read more
I recently appeared on the podcast Dauntless Grace to talk about trauma, play, reparenting ourselves, and that infamous consequences post. You can listen to the interview on their website, Dauntless Grace. It’s also available on iTunes here, and on Spotify here. If you’d rather read rather than listen, the transcript is available here.
This post has an audio and video recorded version for those who prefer to learn by hearing rather than by reading. Scroll to the bottom for the video of me reading it. I have a memory from very young in my childhood, that I can’t remember whether it was all just a thought process I … Read more
This post has an audio and video recorded version for those who prefer to learn by hearing rather than by reading. Scroll to the bottom for the video of me reading it. I think we would actually all be fine if we would drop the word “consequences” from our vocabularies entirely. I’d certainly prefer it … Read more
I still catch myself in these ways of thinking. I still catch myself thinking old thoughts with my kids. “If I get playful right now, he’s going to learn to be ‘difficult’ whenever he wants me to play with him.” “If I don’t make her regret doing that, then she’s going to end up doing … Read more
Two people have asked me questions about reward charts in the last week or so, so that seemed like a reasonable question to answer next. The reason for both of them asking it was because I put “reward charts” — i.e., you do x, you get a sticker on your chart (and often when you … Read more